I originally titled this post “F*ck You, Just Watch Me,” but I decided it was a little crass and not aligned with the high vibes I like to send out. But, in all honesty, it’s pretty accurate to how I was feeling when I first started this post after recovering from a completely awful “it’s not you, it’s me...but actually it’s you” conversation where I took on some heavy shit that didn’t belong to me. I left the conversation feeling judged, broken and angry.
What’s worse is I let the conversation lead me into a story that my self-worth came from something outside of me. The story I’d fallen into was one of rejection, shame, not being enough, and being valued for what I have and do, not who I am at my core.
While these feelings have been part of my story in the past, they certainly aren’t now. Regardless, I had 0% trouble falling back into the old story, practically at the drop of a hat. Falling into a regressive pattern like a shame spiral is a real SOB. I have to be absolutely truthful and say that I spent a good portion of my day teeter-tottering between fuming anger and sadness, before deciding this story absolutely wasn’t for me. I may have had to reach deep into my toolbox and call upon some teachers for guidance, but slowly, I remembered my truth. My truth is that I am powerful beyond measure; I am a strong, confident, capable, compassionate person who believes in some things that deeply challenge others. And that's okay.
While sitting in my state of anger/sadness was tempting, I chose to take action. I chose to work through the icky feelings I was experiencing. I chose to forgive my friend for projecting their fears and judgments on me. I chose to forgive myself for accepting that projection. I chose to release the story and begin again.
While I’m not always thrilled with the form a lesson takes or the messenger it’s sent from, I know that the things which challenge us the most are also our most powerful opportunities for growth (and I’m not one to pass up an opportunity to grow). I’ve been on a steady path of self-actualization and living my purpose. Along the way, my path has consistently unfolded; always guiding me to my next teacher and area of focus in perfect timing (though not always obvious to me in the moment). I’ve taken on each challenge wholeheartedly, trusting that each must be important simply because it is placed in front of me.
With each step, I’ve been called to make radical life changes that a younger version of me would have never fathomed or been ready for. Each step of the way, there have been naysayers that have made me questions my capabilities and my decisions, but have ultimately driven me to push harder. Today, instead of believing the story and living out the fears of others, I’m saying, “Just watch me.” Because I know, with certainty that obstacles are simply detours in the right direction and that when the right path is before me, miraculous things happen.
In the past few weeks, I've been doing some mad manifestation, and today the fire to manifest got even stronger. I’m truly excited to share and celebrate what's been happening to accelerate my journey; and to share what happens next...just watch me.